If you can connect with another person on a deeper level, you open the doors to trust & intimacy. Once you build the trust & intimacy, you are more likely the person they will reach out to, like you & open up to. Many professionals complain that they have an issue in leading their team, in gaining their confidence & trust which leads to not so powerful professional relationships. Thus resulting in poor productivity, poor team work, friction etc. Also, many a times I hear this: "I don't want to share this issue with my boss/my HR?" So, it is important that as leaders, professionals and as people per se, we need to ask ourselves this question: Are we truly connecting with others? Are we creating that safe space for them to open up? If not, what tool do we need to connect with another person? I urge you to peep into the relationships that you have, both personal & professional & do an honest speculation of what might be missing according to you. The simplest tool that can be used to connect with another person is to give your undivided attention, listening & genuine interest in the person that you are talking to. Yes, that's all you need. But wait, it seems easy but if you observe your own behavior, you'll notice that many a times, we don't connect the way we ought to. We deny the simple tools and we make things complex till it manifests into scary data & statistics. I want to cite a personal experience here that I encountered yesterday. To maintain confidentiality of identity, I will use X & Y as the two person that I interacted with. Someone reached out to me yesterday, seeking for help for someone who was in need. I didn't know whom to reach out to. The first thought that came to my mind was to check with X since X is well known in that industry. I called up X and exchanged few words. To my utter surprise, in the entire conversation, X was advising for a thing which I didn't want to know. The problem was something else, since X didn't listen very well and started to assume based on the exposure & knowledge X had, the crux of the matter got lost & X just spoke about something which wasn't making any sense. I was for a while taken aback at how people tend to speak more & listen less. I didn't feel heard, nor I wanted to share anything further. My mind completely shut down and was just longing for the call to just end. I was relieved when X stopped talking & I thanked X for the time. On the other hand, I reached out to Y after my call ended with X. Y was on the other hand very warm & listened to what I had to say. The questions that Y was asking was very apt, it showed that Y was listening to what I was saying & the questions were based on the inputs that I gave and finally we concluded with a solution. My trust for Y increased and a deeper connection was formed. I then connected Y with the person seeking for help. I know this is a very simple example but the crux is, many a times we are oblivious of what we are doing, how we are showing up. Simple & powerful tools are ignored & we tend to get lost in things that looks important but not necessarily. Same goes with the professional connections too. When you drop everything that you are doing at that moment & give that exclusive attention to the person in front of you talking, you not only win their respect & trust, but build a connection deeper than you ever realized. The same goes vice versa. So next time you ask this question, "How can I gain trust & intimacy?", don't forget to check if you are using that simple powerful tool or not. Also, while talking are you preparing the next question in your mind to impress the other person of your knowledge/wisdom or you are deeply listening? The connection will be formed when you do the latter not otherwise.
Warmth, Priyanka
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Have you ever wondered why things keep repeating in your life? The same experience keeps occurring time & again till you become aware of your pattern & do something to either change or heal. Behaviour patterns are the characteristic ways in which a person acts. I am reminded of a very thoughtful quote here: "We attract what we radiate". This many a times left me wondering because I couldn't really understand the deeper essence of this phrase. But, now after experiencing deeper inner shift, after analyzing my client's patterns including mine, after experiencing & reading lots of relevant stuffs, I get what this actually means.
As we grow, we change, our behaviour change, we think differently, we become conscious of many things; good/bad and maturity envelops us. But, that inner child within us still radiates certain parts of us that was probably hurt when young, probably feared certain things then, some unresolved issues inside still dwells that manifest in certain patterns unknown to us. This is the root of the behaviour patterns that we display as an adult. Interestingly, this is manifested at an unconscious level and hence the confusion is more. We grow up but the unresolved issues keep projecting in one form or other. Thus, we keep attracting what we radiate. That inner child which experienced certain things in life, maintains certain rules to protect us unconsciously, without our awareness even when we grow up. But, the truth is, as grown ups we don't need that protection any more. We are equipped now and so it is important to deal with that to express our highest self. Whatever you have experienced in your life, you have unconsciously attracted that. This may be anything starting from people, situation, things, environment, energies. So, look past and analyze the similarity or repeated patterns in your life. You will find the answer. For instance, as a child if you believed/made to belief that you are not good enough and that belief got imprinted deeply; then as an adult even if you grow up to be an awesome person and attract good people around you; somehow the inner child having self-esteem issues will keep doing stuffs that will manifest that belief. The people around will be confused, including you because that is done at an unconscious level. This person then will have difficulty in building fruitful relationships be it in personal or professional life. External validation will be important, insecurity will surface and this will be contradictory to the behaviour of that grown up person. Well, this is little complex; but this awareness will itself pave the way for your growth as a matured person. Embracing the inner child is very important. Acknowledging the patter is again crucial. Let your mind swirl a bit. We repeat what we don't repair. What are you waiting for? Warmth, Priyanka The big question is,"What are you focusing on?" Because what you focus on, you will see, capture & your life path will be formed accordingly. Interestingly, different people look at the same thing differently. The same situation is seen differently. Ability to put focus on the right things is very important. Otherwise, one fine day you will realize that, entire life you laid your focus on things that truly didn't matter or had nothing to do with your true development & growth as a human being. You will feel that it was a sheer waste of time. Focusing on the positive aspects and staying away from the negative aspects is the key to your happiness. It requires conscious training of the brain & mind. And once you practice this, it comes to you naturally.
Some questions that you honestly need to ask yourself. 1. Are you focusing on what you couldn't do, your difficult past, your challenges & reminiscing on that to create a perfect negative system to not move forward? 2. Are you focusing on letting other's down, criticizing them, making fun of them with an intent to crush them because you know you can't be better than them? 3. Are you focusing on pulling the other person down so that you can move up? 4. Are you focusing on just taking as much as you can from whatever you come across because you fear that time is running out for you? 5. Are you focusing on amassing awards, recognition with the intention of being in the top without any creative output? 6. Are you focusing on proving yourself to be right in front of others so that they revere you & follow you? 7. Are you focusing on accumulating wealth and ignoring every other aspect of your life? 8. Are you focusing on pleasing others at the cost of your self-esteem & integrity? 9. Are you focusing on other distractions & ignoring your loving relationships? 10. Are you focusing on yourself and how you can create what you want to create in this world, that which you are meant to do and leave a mark for everyone to cherish & be grateful for your contribution to the world? If you are doing all of the above from points 1 to 9 (probably many more very similar to these), then it is high time that you ask yourself this question: Why are you wasting your energy on things that will not truly serve you? What will you get out of this chase & focus? If your focus if on point 10, then you are very much on the right path because to be on 10, you have to have that awareness that all the points from 1 to 9 are just futile pursuits and will take you nowhere except for digging your own hell which anyways one day you will fall into. Focusing your energy on right things, on right people, on right thoughts, on right activities will enable you a life of contentment, purpose & fulfillment. By the way, greatness lies not in doing what is common but in doing what is difficult & challenging. Are you still looking for happiness & fulfillment?! It's time you set your focus right. Warmth, Priyanka Introverts are predominantly concerned with their own thoughts & feelings rather than with external things. They are happy & comfortable with themselves. They don't feel a compelling need to be known by others. They are oblivious of the fact that while they are comfortable with who they are, people who don't know them much are making judgement & perceptions about their personality. What to the introvert is privacy, to the other is arrogance; what to the introvert is being happy on their own, to the other it is selfishness; what to the introvert is focus within, to the other person it is seriousness & aloofness. Isn't this interesting? Yes, the illusion of perception will drive you crazy.
People make judgement about others & box them into certain categories when you apparently don't fit into their world of familiarity & commonality. When you are hard to crack, you are tagged. Whose limiting belief is this when you make judgement about another person? Does it boil down to the inability of the person who judges, to see beyond or to the person being judged? Well, I know there will be varied answers to this. Anyhow, many introverts I know and have spoken with have been bullied in their life. Either in their early childhood, in college or at workplace. I can relate to the introvert because I am one of them. I can see the world inside an introvert but also understand the extroverted personality too. In fitting in, we loose our true traits. But do we realize that greatness lies in accepting the person as he/she is and not tagging the person with your perception?! You see what you want to see. When you don't see similarity, you shrug off the person from your world. But when you truly know them, you realize that may be your judgement about them was incorrect. May be your own perception camouflaged the wisdom inside you to see the beauty of the person. The person seemingly looked different, didn't fit in your idea of a "must be" person and hence you lost out in seeing the beauty inside. Next time you judge, ask yourself why are you judging in the first place and not accepting the person for who he/she is? Is the non-conformity in their aura intriguing you? And to all the introverts including me, why are you limiting yourself from an abundance of connections that's waiting for you? Drop the illusion of perception and watch the magic happen in your world. Warmth, Priyanka It takes lot of courage, authenticity to take that social mask off and connect with another human being at authentic level. Only when you choose to do that, you will feel deep connection both ways. And when you connect this way, you will surpass all the barriers and see past the inhibitions holding you back from enjoying this joy of just truly connecting with another living soul.
What truly connects us is the wrinkles and not the smoothness. When you are comfortable in your skin, when you are comfortable with who you are; you transfer that energy to the other person who can feel it and of course mirror back. Whenever you feel disconnected, do ask yourself these questions: What is it that I have lost in me in gaining the smoothness around the virtual life that I feel disconnected to? What am I faking to myself that I feel this way? The disconnect is nothing but projection of your inner world of turmoil. When we live in projection, we lose out on real connection. When our focus is on our ego, we fail to make the connection. But when we center it on truly knowing the person, get really curious about the other person, is when we can elevate ourselves to that level of understanding another human being. Sometimes we create certain guards/walls around ourselves to protect us. This can be traced back to varied life experiences in the past that made us do what we do today. Some limiting belief picked up during childhood, some rules made by our mind to protect us. But what is important is to detach from these beliefs and ask ourselves: What am I truly gaining by holding on to this belief? Is it time that I drop this and try to see life from a different perspective with a new empowering belief? Sobriety is the greatest gift that one can gift oneself. It enables one to really connect with another human being. It is through this light of connection that we achieve all other goals of life. Sometimes small qualities that we chose to strengthen in ourselves make a huge difference. So, wake up every morning and ask yourself: Who do I really want to connect with today? And feel the difference in your day. Best wishes, Priyanka Assumption curbs our curious mind & ruins our ability to look for solutions & possibilities. Assumption creates barriers. ================================== What if assumptions are replaced by facts?! Many a times, I hear people saying,"I didn't approach this person despite of really admiring him/her because I assumed that the person might not like me or may not be approachable." Here you have a lost opportunity to connect with someone because of your own limiting thoughts. Assumption is fear in different form, holding us back. =================================== The only way to replace assumption is to have acceptance & empathy towards the other person and the other person's world. Listen, understand, empathize and drop the assumptions. You will create amazing relationships and new possibilities never imagined before. Are you assuming that this is not possible?! Think again, go for it. Best wishes, Priyanka |
AuthorLife & Organizational Development Coach Archives
February 2023
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