"#Jealousy is a #feeling of #being angry or sad because you want to be like somebody else or because you want what somebody else has," says the dictionary. How many times have you denied this feeling and jumped on to the feeling of celebration for another's success, achievement or for who they are?! Well, if you are honest, brutally honest and aware of your own emotions, you'll realise that we all feel all the feelings and jealousy is one of them. It's absolutely a normal phenomenon to be jealous. But, do we normalise that?! No, we don't and thus we don't know how to handle it in a healthy way that can propel us forward instead of holding us back in its stuck energy.

Just take your two fingers and put it on your pulse. Can you feel the pulse? Well, if you can you are human and thus it is absolutely valid to be jealous. But the point of concern is that, we so often deny this feeling. We don't give ourselves the permission to feel it, be with it and so it manifests in unconscious ways, ways that we may be regretful of. It then takes an ugly form, develop a strong resentment towards the person rather than just realizing that it is but a natural feeling that we all feel. The key is to be present with it and aware of it.

Couple of years back, during one of the group sessions on embodying emotions where I was a participant, a co-participant when asked this question: "What are you feeling and why?" She said that she was jealous of me and who I was. I was not taken aback because I knew what jealousy felt like and that it was totally normal to feel it that way. I felt compassion for her and brought back memories of times when I felt this feeling and I was gaslighted. I was shunned and made to like other's achievement, celebrate them. That all is fine, but what about the processing of the jealous feeling? Does anyone tell us how to do it? How to undergo the completion process of any intense feeling? That's altogether a different area of work that we can learn and master. I am glad that over the years of my journey as a #coach, I have learnt to process my feelings, undergo the completion process and transcend my emotions to a more empowering one. Mind you, it is a repeat process and you have to do the work whenever you catch yourself feeling it.
Next time you are jealous of another, take a moment to be aware that you are feeling this, give yourself permission to be 100% present with it and then allow your natural state of compassion to flow in, not just for you but for the person you are jealous of too. When you are present, you enable natural allowing of surfacing of emotions. Hence, after a point it is not enough knowing the science of it, but mastering the art.

The fact that you are jealous points out to the fact that you could recognize something in that person that is reflective of your desires and who you want to be.
So, take a moment to thank the person for triggering that feeling in you and do the work on yourself.What do I mean by that? Instead of sulking over and shaming yourself for being jealous or plotting to bring the person down to feel good; once you have given permission to yourself to feel whatever you are feeling, ask yourself this question, empowering question: "What can I do today to start in the smallest possible way to be the person that I am actually jealous of which in reality is admiration in disguise or how can I embody the qualities that the person have, starting in my own little way?" And before you realize, you'll know that the feeling of resentment is gone and you are again in your centre, ready to unleash the potential within you.

The measure of true #success is never about victory or perfection, but how good are you at responding to what it is. And this applies to your feelings too.
Don't deny, learn to respond. Accept the reality of what you are feeling as it is.The moment you master the art of holding both the emotions: that which we deny and that which we are conditioned to, you will find yourself at a space that is so liberating and beyond your feelings. That's who you are. More than your emotions but emotions are a part of your existence.

This post is inspired by a conversation that I had with a #professional who had the #courage and #humilty to accept that he did play dirty games because he was #jealous of his #colleague and without even realizing it, tried to #sabotage his career. And he is regretful of his behaviour. As a coach, my job is to let the person #transcend to his true nature of #compassion and #love. For once you are aware of your coping strategies, the sleepwalking is over. When a person is transforming, we must allow it to be and not impose our idealism onto it. We all deserve a second chance.

Believing in you,
​Priyanka
#coaching #transformation #coachpriyankadutta

Gif credit: https://giphy.com/explore/royalty-free

The spontaneous pen in me decided to pen down my thoughts after listening to the podcast "Voice of a Leader" by Marina Byezhanova, where she hosted Todd D. Palmer. Here's the link to the podcast:
www.linkedin.com/video/live/urn:li:ugcPost:7018984907934683136/ 

Thank you Soumya Sharma for introducing me to this podcast!
As I begin to write, what I realize is that, there's this entire web of #universe that supports us; sometimes with our knowledge & sometimes we are oblivious of this web. We are all part of the big picture. Truly #life happens for us; for us to evolve, expand, heal & contirbute to the universal good.
It was 2019, just before the pandemic kicked off. Thank God! The travel enthusiast in me made my last trip before the lock down, to Costa Rica. I was attending a #retreat which was a part of my #learning #journey as a #coach. I flew miles & miles apart to be amidst people whom I trusted, loved & who let me be seen for who I am. I didn't have to try to fit in there. I was just accepted the way I am. My work with this group, played a big role in shifting me as a person.
In the retreat, for the first time in ages, I let my guard down & broke into tears. A group full of strangers (co-participants), contained by my coaches! Something touched me to the core and it melted away! Something that I held onto for long without knowing it. My coach told me that it is so amazing when we let ourselves be seen. Yeah, I was holding myself back too! That day I felt seen, heard, known and accepted. I didn't have to justify myself, nor prove anything but just feel whatever I was feeling at that moment. And I can't tell you how impactful that experience was!
There are many instances where people fear to speak up, be vulnerable with people you are surrounded with. The fear of being judged is an inherent aspect in us. We beat around the bush and not arrive at the real thing. It takes a non-judgemental space to open up and share. After having experienced this in my own coaching journey, I have enabled that in my clients too. They cry their hearts out without any fear or inhibition. They are just like me who don't shed tears unless it becomes unbearble! We have been conditoned to be strong & never let ourselves feel our emotions. The impact of which is so detrimental to the overall wellbeing of a person!
Research says that highly sensitive people are the ones who are more prone to disowning their true selves and wear a mask to cope with life & their environment. The book, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller is a must read for people who are gifted, highly sensitive & have used either narcissism / depression as their coping strategy.
www.amazon.in/dp/0465016901/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk

Being seen, heard, known and accepted is all that we desire. Everything boils down to that. Just that our ways are different depending on where we are, what we do and where we are heading to. Time & again, people I speak to, connect with, share the same with me too. We may deny, but even our purposes are entwined with this reality. However, before anyone accepts us, we must muster the courage to accept ourselves. And that acceptance sometimes may be painful.
True acceptance is accepting yourself fully with all your flaws, unwantedness, uncoolness and things that you have disowned, denied & rejected. Once this stage is achieved, we can then work to achieve the next level as Byron Katie puts it across, "God spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.” Want to know more about her deep work? Click below:
thework.com/

Leaving you with these insights from my diary:

If you want clarity before even experiencing the contrast, you will end up in situations, places & amidst people that will co-create contrasts for you to experience what you don’t like, don’t want, don’t enjoy and the like.

Contrasts are necessary for our evolution and expansion. It gives us the opportunity to launch our authentic desires and what we truly want. But many a times, we let these experiences put us in shell and numb ourselves; never to want again, desire again. We are shrouded by self-criticism, blame and a sense of not being good enough to land in contrasting situations. We then become an attraction point for all that we detest and don’t want. That again is a brilliant opportunity for us to want something what we truly desire. However, if our orientation is such that we have a negative connotation towards contrast, we will negate the immense opportunity that it has in putting us into the path that we are truly seeking for.

Let me help you understand what I am trying to express here with a coaching conversation I had with a client of mine.

THE COACHING CONVERSATION
Me (Coach): What is the matter? You look disappointed!

Client: I feel embarrassed of what I have created in life as far as relationships are concerned!

Me (Coach): Tell me more about what this embarrassment is all about…

Client: You see I am successful professionally, but when it comes to love, I am a total failure. I never knew what love is, never experienced true love and it sucks to know that I have had one failed marriage and the one that I am in now, is also in the verge of falling apart. I get into relationships and then realize that this is not what I signed up for. Professionally if you are not aligned, you can end the contract, you can part ways & look for something that works for you, but in personal life, you are bound by obligations, norms and then the pressure of putting up when you know that on the inside it is not what I wanted. I don’t want to be in a relationship that drains me and is unfulfilling! What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough to get what I am seeking for? Am I not being able to be a good partner? What is it that I am not seeing?

The client breaks down & sobs….

Me (Coach): Being with my client uninterrupted & letting the client feel all the emotions that the client is feeling without trying to label it, fix it, jump in or advice at the same time being fully aware of what is happening in me and what I am feeling. I feel for my client.

Client: After a minute… “I am sorry for breaking down. I never thought I would do this. I spoilt our session.”

Me (Coach): Tell yourself, “I allow myself to feel absolutely what I am feeling now. I give it my 100% attention.”

Client: Smiled & said, “Thank you!”

Me (Coach): After some time… What is wrong about the contrasting experiences?! What makes you blame yourself for experiences that are opening the doors for you to have more clarity & launch new desires?

Client: I should have been able to fix my marriage. Two times is a sign that I am not doing something well.

Me (Coach): Great reflection point! What are you not doing well?

Client: I should have been able to make my partner happy & work things out for the family.

Me (Coach): Before you do that, tell me, “Have you thought about making yourself happy?”

Client: Not really! I thought my job is to take care of others. I never focused on what gives me contentment and joy.

Me (Coach): Do you behave the same way in your profession too?

Client: No. I am clear with what I want & where I want to head to.

Me (Coach): What is this contrast offering you to consider now that you didn’t consider before?

Client: That I take my profession seriously & not my personal life. In my personal life I let others decide for me what is good & bad, what is desirable & not desirable.

Me (Coach): What happens when you let external forces make the choices for you?

Client: Land up in situations where I don’t want to be. I say ‘YES’ to relationships that I don’t want to be in.
I then try hard to change the person or change my self which never works.

Me (Coach): What do you notice about yourself & the entire situation until now?

Client: I am aware of what I don’t want in relationships and never quite articulated what I want.

Me (Coach): What do you want in relationships?

Client: Takes a pause…I want to be with someone who understands me, my dreams, co-creates with me and allows expansion in me and does things that I have always wanted to do like travel the world together, have adventures together, experience joy in the sweet nothings of life…

Me (Coach): Didn’t the contrast help you to articulate what you do want? What is great about the current contrast that you are in?

Client: It gave me clarity & see what I truly want in relationship and how I have been self-sabotaging.

Me (Coach): Now that you have an insight, what would you like to do to take it a step further?

Client: I want to stop blaming and look for the possibility that this contrast is pointing to.

Me (Coach): Tell me more…

Client: I feel grateful for this contrast. For without it, I would have been stuck with what I don’t want & never seek for what I want. There is nothing wrong in contrast, it gives me an opportunity to see how I am not valuing my wants as far as relationships are concerned. I want to take the lead in my relationships and stand for what I want.

Me (Coach): Great! What would you do as the first small step in that direction?

Client: I will have a heart-to-heart conversation with my partner and share what I have just shared with you about my stance in relationship and release the attachment for my partner to understand or react in a certain way & be open to listening to what my partner has to say.

Me (Coach): What will you do before you even talk to your partner?

Client: Allow myself time to sink in, feel, deal with my questions & when I feel joyful & happy, I will speak to my partner from that space.

Me (Coach): Thank you for choosing growth & clarity into your life!

Well, we then closed the session and the conversation continued in the upcoming sessions. Do I have to explain further?! I don’t think so.

But I would like to leave you herewith this reflection:
What are the contrasts in your life that you are upset about and how can you pivot that to see that as the vantage point for you to have more clarity about yourself & your desires? And that knowing will lead to inspired actions towards fulfilling your desires. The path then opens up…

Loving you all unconditionally,
Priyanka

#CoachPriyankaDutta #lifecoach #coachingconversations #lifecoaching