What you are most good at giving, is also the thing that you need the most for yourself!
If you are an empath, someone good at holding space for others and allowing them to empty their minds in your sacred presence, know that you possess an exceptional skill, a human skill which very often goes unrewarded, unnoticed and thankless in many ways. But thanks to covid, now this is one of the top skills as per reserach & so take a moment to pat your back for you are gifted with something that is unique & precious.
The impact of holding space for someone can only be felt post the person walking out of the door feeling rejuvenated, charged up and ready to take on life.
But how does an empath rejuvenate & recuperate? Who is there for them? In this constantly changing & evolving world where we are usually wired to think of only oneself, how I feel, what's in it for me, how will this collaboration benefit me etc., it is very important for the empath to restore the balance for himself/herself, if he/she wants to keep giving this unique, endangered gift of holding space for others, a space that evokes psychological safety as neuroscientists calls it.
Me and my partner are both empaths! We often, in our personal lives, found ourselves complaining about one thing to each other and that is: "You don't listen and undertsand me!"And we both wondered why & how is that possible from someone known for holding space for others. And after lots of conversations, observations & awareness, we realized that our expectations from each other was to be able to vent out all that we didn't with others. We didn't look at each other as humans but empaths only who would be there for each other just like the way we were for the people around us. So, our conversations were mostly around our need to be heard, seen & understood. And imagine the plight when two empaths after emptying themselves for others, come home with the same expectations of being there for each other without consciously communicating to one another! An unsaid expectation just because you are an empath & haven't set your boundaries!
There were days when I saw my partner burnt out & totally tired, not having any space to listen to my stories, pain, ranting & vice versa, but here rings the phone & someone known in his circle wants his help, listening and it's urgent! He would still be there and listen and I would feel left out, angry, unheard, unimportant and even detested the very skill that I admire in my partner, the skill of being an empath. That's when the observer in me realized that this has nothing to do with me but there's something that needs our attention as empaths. We both sat down to understand basically what is happening and here are our suggestions to all the empath couples to deepen their relationship with each other and joyfully carry forth this great human skill, holding space for another to feel safe & be vulnerable, be seen, heard & understood without spoiling your own relationship:
Leaving you with this deep thought by Khalil Kibran:
Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Well, we are work in progress, learning and evolving, choosing consciously, failing yet rising up again. What would you like to add to the list? What are your suggestions to empath couples? Please share so that the world benefits from it.
Believing in you,
#relationship #empathcouples #coaching #CoachPriyankaDutta
YOU TAKE YOURSELF WHEREVER YOU GO
What will you choose when you are amidst something that is ugly, toxic and dark? Very often, we deflect or absorb. The ability to transmute, is something if you practice, will help you realise who you truly are! It takes immense power, strength & stillness to be blossoming in an environment that is not conducive for growth. But the moment you realise that this not so conducive environment is actually the manure you need to elevate yourself to the next level; the moment you stop running from it and stand firm in it, you have laid the foundation for your true growth. You have laid the foundation for not just ordinary expansion, but an expansion that will shine through you and be an inspiration to others.
We look for greener pastures. We seek for better, the best. That’s hardwired in us. But there’s a difference in expansion which is a by-product of our inner growth & expansion which stems from running away from where you are. With no internal growth happening, if you just keep seeking for that which suits who you are, rest assured that you have created a recipe for your failure, suffering & pain. For, with no internal growth; you’ll find yourself in the best of the environments and still create the same dynamics there, for you take yourself wherever you go.
EARTH IS OUR SCHOOL
How long will you run? One day you will have to accept the Is ’ness of the situation, the reality of your character, strengths & who you are. When you realise who you are, you don’t run from situations but situations start transforming. People start behaving differently, you start seeing things differently and most important of all, you find joy amidst the outer chaos. The chaos then isn’t chaos but ingredient for your deep inner work, your practice ground. As Spiritual leaders have said, ‘Earth is our school, where we have come to realize our essence.’ And lotus is the right metaphor to let us know that even amidst dirt, ugliness; the light within you can shine through & bloom. Mastering this is a life-long practice! Only the aware ones choose to practice, for true freedom lies in that.
Leaving you will this question: Have you got what you are seeking for in life? If not, it’s time you change the question to: Have I realized who I am?
Believing in you,
Gif credit: https://giphy.com/explore/royalty-free
If you want clarity before even experiencing the contrast, you will end up in situations, places & amidst people that will co-create contrasts for you to experience what you don’t like, don’t want, don’t enjoy and the like.
Contrasts are necessary for our evolution and expansion. It gives us the opportunity to launch our authentic desires and what we truly want. But many a times, we let these experiences put us in shell and numb ourselves; never to want again, desire again. We are shrouded by self-criticism, blame and a sense of not being good enough to land in contrasting situations. We then become an attraction point for all that we detest and don’t want. That again is a brilliant opportunity for us to want something what we truly desire. However, if our orientation is such that we have a negative connotation towards contrast, we will negate the immense opportunity that it has in putting us into the path that we are truly seeking for.
Let me help you understand what I am trying to express here with a coaching conversation I had with a client of mine.
THE COACHING CONVERSATION
Me (Coach): What is the matter? You look disappointed!
Client: I feel embarrassed of what I have created in life as far as relationships are concerned!
Me (Coach): Tell me more about what this embarrassment is all about…
Client: You see I am successful professionally, but when it comes to love, I am a total failure. I never knew what love is, never experienced true love and it sucks to know that I have had one failed marriage and the one that I am in now, is also in the verge of falling apart. I get into relationships and then realize that this is not what I signed up for. Professionally if you are not aligned, you can end the contract, you can part ways & look for something that works for you, but in personal life, you are bound by obligations, norms and then the pressure of putting up when you know that on the inside it is not what I wanted. I don’t want to be in a relationship that drains me and is unfulfilling! What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough to get what I am seeking for? Am I not being able to be a good partner? What is it that I am not seeing?
The client breaks down & sobs….
Me (Coach): Being with my client uninterrupted & letting the client feel all the emotions that the client is feeling without trying to label it, fix it, jump in or advice at the same time being fully aware of what is happening in me and what I am feeling. I feel for my client.
Client: After a minute… “I am sorry for breaking down. I never thought I would do this. I spoilt our session.”
Me (Coach): Tell yourself, “I allow myself to feel absolutely what I am feeling now. I give it my 100% attention.”
Client: Smiled & said, “Thank you!”
Me (Coach): After some time… What is wrong about the contrasting experiences?! What makes you blame yourself for experiences that are opening the doors for you to have more clarity & launch new desires?
Client: I should have been able to fix my marriage. Two times is a sign that I am not doing something well.
Me (Coach): Great reflection point! What are you not doing well?
Client: I should have been able to make my partner happy & work things out for the family.
Me (Coach): Before you do that, tell me, “Have you thought about making yourself happy?”
Client: Not really! I thought my job is to take care of others. I never focused on what gives me contentment and joy.
Me (Coach): Do you behave the same way in your profession too?
Client: No. I am clear with what I want & where I want to head to.
Me (Coach): What is this contrast offering you to consider now that you didn’t consider before?
Client: That I take my profession seriously & not my personal life. In my personal life I let others decide for me what is good & bad, what is desirable & not desirable.
Me (Coach): What happens when you let external forces make the choices for you?
Client: Land up in situations where I don’t want to be. I say ‘YES’ to relationships that I don’t want to be in.
I then try hard to change the person or change my self which never works.
Me (Coach): What do you notice about yourself & the entire situation until now?
Client: I am aware of what I don’t want in relationships and never quite articulated what I want.
Me (Coach): What do you want in relationships?
Client: Takes a pause…I want to be with someone who understands me, my dreams, co-creates with me and allows expansion in me and does things that I have always wanted to do like travel the world together, have adventures together, experience joy in the sweet nothings of life…
Me (Coach): Didn’t the contrast help you to articulate what you do want? What is great about the current contrast that you are in?
Client: It gave me clarity & see what I truly want in relationship and how I have been self-sabotaging.
Me (Coach): Now that you have an insight, what would you like to do to take it a step further?
Client: I want to stop blaming and look for the possibility that this contrast is pointing to.
Me (Coach): Tell me more…
Client: I feel grateful for this contrast. For without it, I would have been stuck with what I don’t want & never seek for what I want. There is nothing wrong in contrast, it gives me an opportunity to see how I am not valuing my wants as far as relationships are concerned. I want to take the lead in my relationships and stand for what I want.
Me (Coach): Great! What would you do as the first small step in that direction?
Client: I will have a heart-to-heart conversation with my partner and share what I have just shared with you about my stance in relationship and release the attachment for my partner to understand or react in a certain way & be open to listening to what my partner has to say.
Me (Coach): What will you do before you even talk to your partner?
Client: Allow myself time to sink in, feel, deal with my questions & when I feel joyful & happy, I will speak to my partner from that space.
Me (Coach): Thank you for choosing growth & clarity into your life!
Well, we then closed the session and the conversation continued in the upcoming sessions. Do I have to explain further?! I don’t think so.
But I would like to leave you herewith this reflection:
What are the contrasts in your life that you are upset about and how can you pivot that to see that as the vantage point for you to have more clarity about yourself & your desires? And that knowing will lead to inspired actions towards fulfilling your desires. The path then opens up…
Loving you all unconditionally,
#CoachPriyankaDutta #lifecoach #coachingconversations #lifecoaching
"I should be this way, I should show up this way, I should hide this in me, I should project this in me, I should not do this, I should behave this way, I should..."
When you live your life in 'shoulds', you get disconnected from who you truly are. And when you live by shoulds for long in life, that becomes your way of being.
Success is not getting what you want, but who you become in the process and what you contribute to.
Let's reflect on who we have become as a result of these 'shoulds' and then ask ourselves, if it is worth living by these. Is this uplifting our growth or curbing it and making us less human & disconnected from our truest self?
“Obligers take their commitments to other people seriously, but generally let themselves down,” writes Rubin. Check out Gretchen Rubin's, The Four Tendencies. Take the quiz here to see your tendency. And we have more obligers in the world. And thus the status quo isn't challenged and we live in familiar ways even though these might not be working for us.
This post is evoked by someone telling me what is right to do and what is not right to do; how to show up and how not to. And so I would like to challenge this myth of showing up in a way that we are not. Let's break the 'shoulds' and live by who we are, our truest self. After all these 'shoulds' were created by someone else and these are their wants that we are living with.
Let's set a trend to be who we are, be it in the corporate world or in our personal lives. Let's bring our complete self (body, intellect & emotion), let's BE and allow its expression.
We have lived enough in disguise, in duality and in the boxes as if we are not a whole entity but robots that can be dismantled as per requirement. Masking here and unmasking there!
"Don't bring emotions to the workplace. "But then who defined these and for what? Don't you think we need to re-look at the status quo? At a time when we are talking about authenticity and authentic leadership, then we should also look at the 'shoulds'. Are these supporting authenticity & vulnerability or just a contradiction to what we are desiring & what we are supporting?!
Many a times I hear this from people specially taking pride in their masked roles that when they are in the office, they are different than when at home; when in private, different from when in public. This duality is a slap to our integrated self that has to constantly contradict with who we truly are and who we show up to be.
Wherever you aren't bringing your complete self, you are expressing yourself with lot of efforts to camouflage a side of you that is you. Kind of disowning yourself from who you truly are. In such a scenario, do you think you are at your highest expressive self? You are constantly putting up a show, a mask and so it becomes draining for you to accept yourself and others when they authentically express themselves. Sometimes this duality becomes our reality and so later in life there comes a place where we start questioning who we are, what truly matters and all sorts of spiritual awakening questions that probably leaves us with despair when we realize the futility of living a masked existence.
As a leader, you will be able to embrace authenticity only when you are authentic to your self. Why bringing your authentic self is important?! To live a more fulfilled, content and joyous life. And most important of all, honouring yourself.
This life itself is a vow and you honouring it's truest expression, is you being a YES to life itself.
#authenticleadership #truestself #getoutoftheboxes #challengethestatusquo #letlifeflow #debunkthemyth
As believed earlier, this relationship is one where the master is put in the pedestal & the disciple bows down to receive. But, with evolution of human consciousness, this relationship evolved into a more matured & beautiful understanding.
From a relationship of verticals,
it became a relationship of 'maitra', meaning friend.
No truly enlightened person ever told that to be enlightened, you have to put them above you, ahead of you or push them far away from you. Instead when you can see them as your enlightened friend, the receiving becomes joyful & more welcoming. Then there is sync between the two to allow the light to flow within. And if you look back at any great relationship, the foundation of that had been friendship. And thus walking together the path towards light becomes easy, fun filled and effortless.
I personally don't believe in idealizing or putting anyone in pedestal nor do I like when anyone does that to me.
But, I do believe in mutual respect & love.
There is light in every individual & the enlightened one, irrespective of age, gender, creed, leads us to that awakening when we are ready.
I learnt from my coachee, my maitra and in his words:
"Gu in Sanskrit is darkness & Ru is light. Likewise, I feel a coach
is also like a Guru who makes one see that inner light in different
ways, reconnect with oneself so as to live life joyfully."
And I truly believe in a relationship of 'maitra'. Truly blessed to walk this path of enlightenment with beautiful, pure, awakened souls. Not only I help them see the light in them, but they too help me awaken at every step.
In deep gratitude for every experience of the heart.
#spiritualawakening #awareness #insight #relationshipofequals #maitra #friend
Amidst all the fears that is in & around me, I see equal amount of possibilities. Yes, I see possibilities against every fear & I have felt all of my fears thoroughly (it is a part of me, which also reminds me of the possibilities). Every time I feel my fears, I am also called to focus on the possibilities that is available in the world, in the humanity that we are & in this life that has been taken for granted by everyone of us in some form or other.
Welcome to my world of possibilities...
I see a world where love becomes the ruling force,
I see a world where love, compassion, empathy, respect exist not only between the victim & the hero, the sufferer & the saviour, the weak & the powerful, the wounded & the healer; but amongst equals unconditionally too,
I see an environment that is clean, green, joyous & flourishing,
I see the corporate world embracing humanity as their core driving force as opposed to profit earning at all cost & under any circumstances,
I see the corporate world enabling a lifestyle for the people that would support them in connecting with the essence of our existence, i.e. love,
I see a corporate world where love stands at the core of every leader rather than fear overruling the heart which ignites unhealthy competition & unwanted politics,
I see the corporate world being kinder, more prepared to drive human force to actualizing better causes for the abundance of humanity, greater peace & unity in the world,
I see every home as the container for enabling growth in every child to express his/her gifts joyously,
I see extraordinary leadership being modeled at home for generations to express,
I see every home being run with love & collaboration with everyone where the main focus is not on ego satisfaction, but on the bigger intention of making this life a beautiful expression for everyone,
I see deep connection being formed without any agenda but love for another human being,
I see love being redefined, where the horizon broadens to capture the essence of life,
I see people walking the spiritual path not when they grow old or are nearing death, but since the time when they get present to life,
I see people having the wisdom of knowing what matters to them not just when a crash down like this happens, but when the world resets itself to its beautiful self again,
I see a world where feminine & masculine energy equally flourishes, where we don't have to talk about inclusion but where we cherish & enable both in us because we have the yin & yang in us, the tenderness & rigour,
I see a world where more than the external wins, people give more importance to the wins against the vices in them,
I see a world where there is joy, radiance, wisdom, peace, love & possibilities to be unleashed by the generations to come,
I see a world where we 'BE' who we are, defying complacency & embracing growth; that to me is freedom & authentic living...
I see this possibility in ME, in YOU & EVERYONE around,
I want to see this change in the world & so I start it from ME.
Will YOU? I will be happy if YOU are a YES to this possibility....
#leadersoftomorrow #possibilities #coronatimes #leaderships #life #lifecoahcing
A quieter external environment has acted as a catalyst to the journey inward!
With all the chaos around, we almost lost sight of what matters to us ultimately. The deeper meaning of life can never be understood by external wins because that is insatiable. The win on the outside is like chasing our shadow which we can never conquer. Only when the focus is changed, we realize that the shadow is nothing but a projection of us that we are trying to chase in futility. We have the wholesome in us, the completeness in us and yet we find ourselves wandering all around. So much of emphasis is given in doing, achieving and conquering that we forget to just be who we are.
We forget to allow us the permission to just 'BE'.
When everything around us comes to a standstill, we realize that the myriad social roles that we were playing are somehow our coping roles that we adapted to, in our effort to run away from this simple yet beautiful existence called LIFE. When a child is born, when she/he takes the first breathe in human form in this world, the child cries because there's a change of environment: from the warmth in the womb to the coldness outside. With every change, there comes uncertainty, fear and unpleasantness. And as a mark of a true human form, we learn to express our discomfort even as a child. But after a while, the child stops crying and starts to live, accepting the change because that change is a must to grow from a child to an evolved human.
This life is for us to experience a change, a growth, the possibility that we are. We humans have abundant capacity to adapt to our circumstances. Our journey to the unknown starts from the moment we are born. Then why do we fear uncertainty & the unknown?! Fear of uncertainty & the unknown will haunt us only when we fear that there is nothing that we can do to control the situation and when there is unwillingness to surrender to what there is. But ask yourself: Every time we encounter challenging times, what do we do? Do we control the situation or do we change our stance, our expression of who we BE in that moment? Controlling a situation is like fixing it and momentarily believing that things are okay, ignoring what needs our focus. What needs focus really?! Our being needs our focus. Whatever the environment might be, if we have done work to build our core, our inner strength, we have done the work really. And so whatever we say or do doesn't matter, our being says it all. It is a reflection of our inner world which however hard we try, we can't hide. It shows and speaks for us. As we run towards our shadow, the work that needs to be done on our being would depend how far we have gone away from our own self. As you decide to come home to yourself, you'll realize that what truly matters at the end is who we BE in this lifetime. All the definitions, judgement, labeling that we do around success, abundance, happiness, beautiful life is nothing but our ignorance speaking & manifesting in this world.With more awareness around self, we realize that for our soul, all these never really mattered but was a mere expression of the less evolved human form.
With a sudden pandemic & global silence like this, it is a great reminder from the Source, an invocation to reconnect with all the lost, scattered & fragmented parts within us that we have been looking for here & there. The world within is a measure of the world that we create around us. And today, as a byproduct of who we are in the inside, we are witnessing the world outside us.
Let's collectively inspire each other to correct what we have been ignoring. Let's not fear death, but fear living life as an unevolved human.
Loving you all,
#leadershipincrisis #ceo #chro #leadershipcoaching #lifecoaching #nationallockdown #help #fightagainstcoronavirus #reflection
People never fail any project, leadership does. And so you can't ignore how you are showing up as a leader.
"Listen with ears of tolerance!
See through the eyes of compassion!
Speak with the language of love!" ~ Anonymous
For any great leadership to happen, you'll notice at the core, these four things are at play; not in any particular order though:
1. Common intention
A powerful intention binds us all together initially. This is what we commonly refer to as the purpose, cause, mission, 'the why' to which we can relate to. It is beyond one's agenda to meet personal gains, but an agenda for the greater good to support the bigger vision. It has to be powerful for people to relate to, come together and give their sweat & blood. Otherwise why would they even join hands; solo would have been good! Why work together with no sense of purpose, no sense of connection to the why?! A leader who talks initially of lofty visions and along the journey drifts away from it or is unable to support the team in envisioning why they are putting their energy, time and effort; will not be able to harness the requisite amount of motivation and drive required to pull them in that direction. It will require the leader to push people through his/her agenda. And this requires lot of energy which eventually will be draining & not serving at all. This leads to issues like lack of motivation, low morale, draining energy etc. People can see through it. They feel it when there is deviation from the agenda and when the agenda has become very personal to the leader unless you are working with dumb-heads. They realize and see that they are being used as a means to achieving that agenda and so slowly and slowly, they start withdrawing. Then their defense mechanisms are at play too because they got to save themselves. That's natural! Hence, the survival mechanisms come to the fore! They become guarded and fear that they might just be used & there's nothing for them to look up to or contribute to. Some kind of hope sabotage or fatigue is there. Let's hypothetically consider this that the intention of the leader is very good but how it is being perceived by the receiver isn't. Then also, as a leader, one has to take responsibility for the impact that is getting created as a result of who he/she is being. Now you may question, why should I? You may not, but when you are a leader, your job is very crucial and it demands more from you. It requires you to show up in a different way. It requires you to model what is expected from people. Everyone resorts to blaming, but a great leader takes the lead and models. That's why, leadership is not just a title, but a responsibility, a journey of transformation from your shadow side to your greatness. Your willingness to walk that journey will elicit the same from the people that you are leading. Telling, coercing and expecting won't. At least in today's scenario where you are leading brilliant, smart, independent & inspiring people; it won't. That's the work that you have to initiate in yourself to be able to enable people to stay connected with the why and not deviate from it.
Many a times, our context plays a crucial role in shadowing the leadership that once started with lot of zeal and enthusiasm. A leader who isn't aware of himself/herself, who has not done deep transformative work on oneself, won't be able to notice how his/her being is working against him/her. Many a times, our shadows play without us realizing that our survival mechanisms are at play. And when you can't accept that, when you are in your own illusive world based on your stories and contexts, you will see others from that lens and so every creation would be sourced from fear and not love. The bigger picture gets lost in this urge to deal with the stuffs that are showing inside of us and not willing to bring it up & see through it. Authenticity is realizing that this is happening to you and acknowledging it; not hiding it or pretending perfect. This would build more trust among people who are watching you and waiting to join hands with you in your lead towards that vision. You will be able to enroll people into your ideas when there is honesty and conviction in what you think, feel, say and do.
"Why is it so hard to trust people? The real question is: "Why is it so hard for the people to tell the truth?"
As a leader, if you are unsure, can't speak your truth for whatever reasons, gaining trust is next to impossible. Many a times, a leader himself/herself has trust issues because of unpleasant past experiences. May be a clearing hasn't been done there. And so, in every action, there is glimpse of that hurt/pain and it slowly corrodes the foundation. Because the leader operates from a space of saving oneself or protection from getting hurt. Speaking the truth, modelling vulnerability will go a long way in gaining people's trust. Our urge to look perfect every time, kills our relationships. When you carry a burden within, how do you think you will focus your energy in the moment to see it in totality?!
Consistency in our thoughts, feelings and actions is important. That builds trust. And when there is trust, people feel free to open up. And that's what leads to deeper connections. A leader who tries to be perfect, tries to project who he/she is not, tries to lead without understanding self and others, tries to use power as a means to coerce people to follow him/her and dictates one's projections/judgement, eventually leads no one to good but self & all to toxicity and curbs creativity and innovation. Leading is caring and opening up to the point that you are willing to accept all the discomfort that comes along the way for the greater good of the people and for fulfilling the bigger intention.
And if you see that kind of toxic leadership, call it out for the greater good of the people and for the bigger why. Inviting you to see within and look around, what kind of a leader you are and what kind of leadership you are supporting?
Believing in you,
#leadership #deepwork #insight #leadershipdevelopment #coaching
"Here's a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't." - Richard Bach
To find our true self, we have to be willing to give up a side of us that's familiar, that is known and that's very much us. We spend our lives in search of our authentic self, but we never get in touch with it due to our inability to give up that wasn't ours but formed as a result of our covering up of who we truly are. In this journey called life, ironically we first hide ourselves & then based on our awakening, we again try to show to the world who we are; most importantly, allow us to embrace who we are. That trial, that journey of hide & seek is life. That journey of unconsciousness to consciousness is life.
We are ultimately spiritual beings in human forms. Eventually, all that matters will no longer matter because to a soul, all that matters is love. Love for self, others, every being on this planet. Love is the language that our soul speaks and is familiar with. Rest all is an illusion. The more drawn we are to the illusion, less we experience this nectar of life called 'love'.
This life is to live & experience; hardly it is to arrive at something or to gain something. It is but for us to experience one of the most powerful existence & form, that is humanity. When we drop everything & listen to our soul's calling, we have found ourselves, that's the victory of human existence.
When you can trust, when you have no reason to trust,
When you can love, when you have every reason to hate,
When you can walk forward, when you have every resistance to give up,
When you can rejoice, when you have every reason to crib,
When you can celebrate life, when you have every reason to shut down,
When you can feel joy, when you have every reason to be sad,
When you can enjoy being you, when the entire world is caught up in being someone else,
When you can be detached, when you have every urge to be attached....
That's when you have found yourself, that's when you have found the true meaning of this existence.
This life is nothing but a soul's experience to transcend from being human to being whole. To experience the wholeness within you, you have to be willing to shed that isn't you.
#spiritualgrowth #leadership #life #insight
"The purpose of our lives is to give birth to the best that is within us." - Marianne Williamson
Every time I reach a milestone, I do enjoy it; but very soon my mind gets fogged with this question: “What’s my purpose, what’s my WHY? Why am I doing whatever I am doing? How does all of it make sense? When on my deathbed, will I be proud of myself? Will I be content for what I have created? Is this worth-remembering and how will all this serve humanity in a broader way? Have I lived my life purposefully?”
DON'T SPEAK THE TRUTH, JUST CONFORM
From a young age, I knew that I am not someone who loves to conform. I grew up having lot of structures in place. Even if I disliked it, I kind of accepted it because I believed that I have only two options: either to conform or rebel. Conformity seemed right at that point because being a rebel meant that I would have to face lot of oppositions; more so I will miss out on the love of the people. So, inside a rebel, I chose to sow the seed of a conformist. This stance was my quick fix to what was present before me. I did try being a rebel, but I was shut off. I couldn’t harness the courage to be a rebel because that came at the cost of something: being disliked, lacking greater approval and less acceptance. How I took this was, don’t speak the truth; just conform. People dislike listening to the truth, they like to be validated. They want to hear what they believe is to be true. As a child I learnt this survival mechanism & went on. But there was anger brewing inside of me, almost like the volcano. I suppressed it and bottled up my anger. Found ways to numb it. Mostly became indifferent to my own emotions & feelings. I covered it up with being happy, smiling and being just a good girl who is well accepted by everyone around; kind of easy to manage & deal with. Why am I even sharing all of these? One crux from all of these is, I was living an inauthentic life. I wasn’t true to myself and lived for others and what others expected of me. I conformed. This stance sucks. But it also gave me love of people, approval and that’s what got me here where I am today. It did play a big role in my life. And I am thankful to that side of me too.
I WANT TO OWN MY TRUTH
Being in the transformative journey for the past couple of years & having comparatively raised self-awareness, this hypocritic stance is intolerable because the rebel in me wants to find an outlet to speak its truth. For years that rebel which had been shut off by me, now wants to come out & scream loudly. It is seeking for a release of this energy that is bottling inside of me and making it difficult for me to experience the nectar of life i.e. experience my essence, my authentic self. Conformity isn’t who I am; I want to own my truth. Now my heart desires for something more, something that I haven’t experienced before and that is deeper connection & intimacy with self & others. And this definitely doesn’t come from being good but being true.
For most parts I believed that rebellion is the only way. And the opposite of that is conformity. You just have two options. Hardly did I know that there was another option too and that is: speaking the truth and influence reforms & may be not. How does that even matter? Being true does. What was uncomfortable for me was whenever I spoke the truth, it wasn’t received well. I had to bear the consequences of being disliked or even face disagreements. And my challenge was to sit in that discomfort of being attacked. That’s how I felt. That meant I had to be willing to be alone. But my need for approval and validation was too strong. I felt every disagreement to be some sort of an attack to my relationship with the person concerned. I feared that this discord would now affect the relationship. It will never remain the same and I didn’t know how to regain the trust, love and positive dynamics of a relationship even after a disagreement. The best I saw and learnt was to avoid that discomfort or least, the one dominating the relationship, winning the game and having the power over other to control & manipulate. Least did I know that a good relationship is built on an unconditional foundation; there is no condition attached to it. Just like the true love between the child and the parent which is based just on love and no other condition attached to it. But to even get into that space, one must love oneself unconditionally. If you are constantly made to realize that you lack this, that you are not good in this/that, that you look certain way which isn’t right, that you must achieve something to prove your worth etc; then you start to attach conditions to that self-love. If I say myself that I will love myself only when I look this way or have an IQ of this or achieve this and that; it is conditional & when the condition is attained, another condition replaces it and this vicious spiral goes on taking you nowhere. Love can never be experienced in a stance like this.
Coming back to my question of what’s my purpose? Until many years ago, my sole purpose was to be that girl/daughter/woman/wife/mother/employee/individual who is loved by the world. This meant that I wasn’t living my truth but being someone that the world wanted me to be. I did everything I could to win them over or rather fool them. Saying what they wanted to hear, doing what they wanted me to, living a life that I should be living as per the norms of the society/the cultural background that I hail from. But as I am approaching my 40th birthday; in October this year I will turn 40. I am asking myself this question again: what’s my purpose? Is it to live life this way or to live my purpose truly? And the answer is very clear to me and that is: My purpose this lifetime is to speak my truth, live an authentic life and influence reforms; transform people’s lives so that they can live an authentic life themselves. Everybody operates in their time zone. It took me these many years to drop the guard, the mask and come home to myself. I need nothing from anyone, all that I was looking for outside is inside me. Now all I want is to give myself this gift of freedom to be who I am. And in this journey of mine, if I can inspire others like me to walk this authentic path towards liberation from this disempowered conditioning to be someone that they aren’t, then my purpose in life is fulfilled. That day on my deathbed, I would truly smile with no regrets. In fact, as I write this, I smile now with such a relief. Thank you, life! You always amaze me with your unique ways.
So, what’s your purpose this lifetime?
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Life & Organizational Development Coach