If you want clarity before even experiencing the contrast, you will end up in situations, places & amidst people that will co-create contrasts for you to experience what you don’t like, don’t want, don’t enjoy and the like.
Contrasts are necessary for our evolution and expansion. It gives us the opportunity to launch our authentic desires and what we truly want. But many a times, we let these experiences put us in shell and numb ourselves; never to want again, desire again. We are shrouded by self-criticism, blame and a sense of not being good enough to land in contrasting situations. We then become an attraction point for all that we detest and don’t want. That again is a brilliant opportunity for us to want something what we truly desire. However, if our orientation is such that we have a negative connotation towards contrast, we will negate the immense opportunity that it has in putting us into the path that we are truly seeking for.
Let me help you understand what I am trying to express here with a coaching conversation I had with a client of mine.
THE COACHING CONVERSATION
Me (Coach): What is the matter? You look disappointed!
Client: I feel embarrassed of what I have created in life as far as relationships are concerned!
Me (Coach): Tell me more about what this embarrassment is all about…
Client: You see I am successful professionally, but when it comes to love, I am a total failure. I never knew what love is, never experienced true love and it sucks to know that I have had one failed marriage and the one that I am in now, is also in the verge of falling apart. I get into relationships and then realize that this is not what I signed up for. Professionally if you are not aligned, you can end the contract, you can part ways & look for something that works for you, but in personal life, you are bound by obligations, norms and then the pressure of putting up when you know that on the inside it is not what I wanted. I don’t want to be in a relationship that drains me and is unfulfilling! What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough to get what I am seeking for? Am I not being able to be a good partner? What is it that I am not seeing?
The client breaks down & sobs….
Me (Coach): Being with my client uninterrupted & letting the client feel all the emotions that the client is feeling without trying to label it, fix it, jump in or advice at the same time being fully aware of what is happening in me and what I am feeling. I feel for my client.
Client: After a minute… “I am sorry for breaking down. I never thought I would do this. I spoilt our session.”
Me (Coach): Tell yourself, “I allow myself to feel absolutely what I am feeling now. I give it my 100% attention.”
Client: Smiled & said, “Thank you!”
Me (Coach): After some time… What is wrong about the contrasting experiences?! What makes you blame yourself for experiences that are opening the doors for you to have more clarity & launch new desires?
Client: I should have been able to fix my marriage. Two times is a sign that I am not doing something well.
Me (Coach): Great reflection point! What are you not doing well?
Client: I should have been able to make my partner happy & work things out for the family.
Me (Coach): Before you do that, tell me, “Have you thought about making yourself happy?”
Client: Not really! I thought my job is to take care of others. I never focused on what gives me contentment and joy.
Me (Coach): Do you behave the same way in your profession too?
Client: No. I am clear with what I want & where I want to head to.
Me (Coach): What is this contrast offering you to consider now that you didn’t consider before?
Client: That I take my profession seriously & not my personal life. In my personal life I let others decide for me what is good & bad, what is desirable & not desirable.
Me (Coach): What happens when you let external forces make the choices for you?
Client: Land up in situations where I don’t want to be. I say ‘YES’ to relationships that I don’t want to be in.
I then try hard to change the person or change my self which never works.
Me (Coach): What do you notice about yourself & the entire situation until now?
Client: I am aware of what I don’t want in relationships and never quite articulated what I want.
Me (Coach): What do you want in relationships?
Client: Takes a pause…I want to be with someone who understands me, my dreams, co-creates with me and allows expansion in me and does things that I have always wanted to do like travel the world together, have adventures together, experience joy in the sweet nothings of life…
Me (Coach): Didn’t the contrast help you to articulate what you do want? What is great about the current contrast that you are in?
Client: It gave me clarity & see what I truly want in relationship and how I have been self-sabotaging.
Me (Coach): Now that you have an insight, what would you like to do to take it a step further?
Client: I want to stop blaming and look for the possibility that this contrast is pointing to.
Me (Coach): Tell me more…
Client: I feel grateful for this contrast. For without it, I would have been stuck with what I don’t want & never seek for what I want. There is nothing wrong in contrast, it gives me an opportunity to see how I am not valuing my wants as far as relationships are concerned. I want to take the lead in my relationships and stand for what I want.
Me (Coach): Great! What would you do as the first small step in that direction?
Client: I will have a heart-to-heart conversation with my partner and share what I have just shared with you about my stance in relationship and release the attachment for my partner to understand or react in a certain way & be open to listening to what my partner has to say.
Me (Coach): What will you do before you even talk to your partner?
Client: Allow myself time to sink in, feel, deal with my questions & when I feel joyful & happy, I will speak to my partner from that space.
Me (Coach): Thank you for choosing growth & clarity into your life!
Well, we then closed the session and the conversation continued in the upcoming sessions. Do I have to explain further?! I don’t think so.
But I would like to leave you herewith this reflection:
What are the contrasts in your life that you are upset about and how can you pivot that to see that as the vantage point for you to have more clarity about yourself & your desires? And that knowing will lead to inspired actions towards fulfilling your desires. The path then opens up…
Loving you all unconditionally,
#CoachPriyankaDutta #lifecoach #coachingconversations #lifecoaching
Life & Organizational Development Coach