"If you want to meet someone who can fix any situation you don't like, who can bring you happiness inspite of what other people say or believe, look in a mirror, then say this magic word: "Hello".
- From the book Messiah's Handbook
(Reminders for the Advanced Soul) by Richard Bach.
I came back all charged up from this coach retreat at Costa Rica. The plan is laid out for what I want to create, who I choose to be in this world, what milestones I want to experience & sleep with. I spent my flight layover time doing that and I made a pretty good plan. I am so excited to get back home & kick-start with my plan. Ah! I even broke it down to everyday details. I used the Pareto Principle - 80/20 to do the smart work. Did I leave any room for contingencies?! Oh yes, I did! I am a great planner with great ideas after all! Can you relate? If yes, good; read beyond. If not, still go on to get more clarity. Don't give up here. Because there's more to this and what I am going to share. So, I land in India with my heart filled with enthusiasm, deep desire & vision. I reach home, excited to meet my son & my partner. Next morning, reality hits me hard. The realities of the world that I live in. This world drives up my fears and all the resistances that I have. This is the world created by me, I choose this however tactics I may choose to put it the other way around. There are wonderful aspects about this world and unpleasantness too. If someone says that the world that they live in doesn't have any unpleasantness, I would assert that they are lying or trying hard to escape it; feeling/seeing something that is so uncomfortable. So, here I am sitting beside my son who is having fever, missed school; my help not showing up due to her sickness; my husband travelling overseas for work in two days. This leaves me with managing everything that wasn't laid down in my plan & that I didn't expect, on my own. That moment, sitting in this heartbreaking discomfort, a voice in me said,"Look at you planner. All your plans failed you. This is your reality. Stop dreaming & just give up." For a second I even detested myself for going to the retreat. Not going would have saved me from all the pain that I am going through. Pain as in helplessness at my inability to stick to my dream plan which I articulated so well. At least, things would have been familiar & comfortable! Other way round, not coming back would have been so great?! I don't have to deal with any of the mess in my world!
For a driven & passionate person like me, it's usually 'play big or go home'. There is no room for anything small. My inability to execute my plan in a circumstance like this is an absolute disaster for me. My inner self has a story & my story is that I will now loose out & miss out on time. I am in a hurry to get where I want to; I must reach my destination faster otherwise it would mean I am not good enough. Is this story the ultimate fact about me?! As I dive deep, I see that it's my interpretation and not the truth. I do get the futility of that. Challenges are everywhere; how I see them & who I choose to be is what makes all the difference. Here's how I arrived at this. Go on and read further to get more of what I have to share. Still struggling?! Great, you are in an unfamiliar place & that's a good place to get present to something that you haven't experienced before.
Just as I was self-loathing & holding on to my story, I got present to everything I was feeling in that moment. There was anger, sadness, disgust, guilt, regret; kind of mixed feelings. Oh yes! That's a feeling after all. And we detest feeling bad. We make that mean something about us, our world, the people, about life etc. Our survival mechanism is to escape from feeling anything unpleasant or messy. We avoid that and ridiculously, the experience that we are left with is feeling that which we avoided feeling in the first place. We just try to justify not to feel that way, we defend, we avoid & many a times hide.
Doing this exploration, I got present to many discussions that I had had in the past with different people about how they escaped their reality to experience something better. To put in simple words, I asked them: "What did you do to not feel what is uncomfortable in your world and replace it with something opposite of that feeling?". And here are some of the many ways they use: 'I take a long break & go on exploring the world', 'I go on an adventurous spree', 'I enjoy the moment inside the flight on high altitude. This gives me a sense of peace within, out from the world', 'I pick up projects that are outstation so that I don't have to deal with the mess here', 'I work long hours & spend less time at home'......You can come up with your list too. It'll drive you crazy if you do an honest introspection; I guarantee you and say this from personal experience.
What's different then when we choose something different than what looks normal to us? Well, you are the same, what's different is the context then & the stand you choose to take. Context is our story, which is very dear to us; our truth about our world which isn't a fact, although it may seem like one to us because we are so attached to it & we have every reason to back it up. We have become experienced in doing that over the years that it looks so real to us that we are blinded by it. Our context is our interpretation of our world. If we can accept this fact & open up to exploration of this truth, then we can create what we want wherever we are. We can find peace, happiness, joy, serenity, success & everything that our heart desires be it here or anywhere else. Because the stand that you choose to take irrespective of everything that is happening around, is your gift to yourself & to the world for who you be in your greatness. And remember that a stand is very different from choosing something opposite of what you are feeling. To get to the depth of this, I will probably write another blog. For this one, just this awareness is enough.
Want some magic?! Then look into the mirror & say: "Hello, I am the creator. I can change my interpretation, my context and take a stand that will enable me to experience what I want to. I don't have to run away to feel certain way or experience something that looks impossible in my world right now." You don't have to force or try hard at all. Your willingness to sit in this possibility, will be the first step towards that shift.
In this VUCA world when nothing is certain, your plans with need a re-look, a makeover from time to time. If you get attached to it more than your intention & vision; chances are that you won't enjoy the journey & the experience of it as you execute the plan. Your plan operates in a context that you live in.Wisdom lies in creating a plan & then be willing to embrace the twist & turns; willing to trust the divine detours because what shows up during these moments is what we need to experience/feel/be with to be able to truly feel then what we are longing for; what our heart is wanting to experience eternally. Post that, our actions change and so our results.
Leaving you with this curiosity: "What showed up in you as you read this piece? Is there anything that you could relate to from my sharing? Is there reluctance?" I would love to know & if you are willing, would love to have a conversation with you on a more deeper level.
Believing in you,
#ourcontext #ourstory #interpretations #stance #insights #coaching #leadership #life #authenticsharing #emotionalintelligence #reflection
Have you ever been ghosted? Have you ever been give the silent treatment? Have you ever been left unanswered, wondering what happened? Have you been left with the feeling of 'you don't matter now'? Well, owning this feeling is hard. Sometimes owning the side that we detest experiencing, is hard. I have felt this way and I can tell you it sucks, it is painful. The very first thing that comes to our mind is: "What did I do? What happened?". See the focus in such cases is always on oneself. And many a times one is left with these stories of making oneself wrong for another person's behaviour, making it mean something about self & living with it for a lifetime too. And in many cases depending on the impact, it leads to psychological problems as well.
Let's take this phenomenon to the corporate world where people are constantly trying to prove their worth, protect their identity, maintain their status and the list is endless. In simple words, people are striving on survival mechanisms in a scenario like this. Organizations where there is no care culture and cutthroat competition prevails, very often you will find that once an employee resigns, leaves, asked to leave, laid off, terminated or even rejected in interviews, they aren't treated with respect and care. Rather they are given silent treatments, withdrawn from participation, from involvement & immediately cut off. The same employee who had been working, contributing and was a part of the organization's growth, is now suddenly cut off. I do understand the need to do this from the standpoint of confidentiality like not sharing detail about confidential data, project etc., but what if when you energetically & intentionally cut the person off without even empathizing with him/her? This shows either of the two things:
1. That you now don't care for the person because the person isn't an employee that you see in your future together. So, your care in the first place had a condition attached to it.
2. You simply considered them as just means to your end with no emotional attachment.
Whichever stance it might be, this is sourced in fear and not in love which is the true consciousness of every soul. Fear can show up in many forms and in your wildest assumptions can have their own truth but my question is, "What kind of culture are you feeding in? A culture where there is cutthroat competition, people are merely objects?!" Till the time you are serving the purpose you are in, if not you are out?! What if a culture of care is nurtured and modeled? What if the leader paves the way towards a more inclusive culture for humanity and love? What if vision of abundance creation merges with spiritual growth of humanity in the organizations?
This similar pattern can be seen in other areas of connection as well. Take the platforms like Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, WhatsApp etc. How many of us truly connect with an intent to connect? The same norm is followed: pseudo-connect, ghost/silent treatment, lack of bonding/connection. This has become our default mode of operation whether we like it or not. And we are left in world devoid of deep connection, bonding, care, respect and connection. We form communities which can benefit our growth not as human beings but help achieve our professional objectives. Once that is achieved, we are disconnected. We learn this behaviour from the ones leading it and we follow the trend without questioning. I really wonder what's the future of our upcoming generations! What lessons we shall pass on to them when we live in a world where we are more concerned about adding people to our list and least bothered with true human connections.
Connections, ongoing connections need vulnerability, the will to be open, truthful and care for another person not for one's gain but purely with an intent to connect with another. Are we willing to create a culture of care in this cutthroat competitive world? If not, where are we heading to and why? If yes, let's connect, converse, get curious about one another without judgements, without agendas; if at all there is an agenda, let it be for the greater good of the person and humanity. What is the first step towards creating this? Let's stop ghosting, not not responding, giving silent treatments and start engaging in conversations. And this needs trust, courage and will. Rest will follow.
Believing in you,
#careculture #connection #leadership #humanity #organizationalculture #life
Ah! What a stupid question to ask?! That’s our instant reaction, right?! See, if the question itself sounds stupid, then imagine how really making mistakes would land on you! Don’t worry, you are not alone to feel this way. Most of us live this way, including me. We have a strong aversion to making mistakes & so we live a certain life, a life that is a guarantee to some of the aspects, some of the nuances but not all. This stance guarantees us just a little of what could have been possible. This stance limits us from expanding ourselves to infinity. Our natural desire is to expand, to be free, not to be bounded; but we create the prisons and we live inside of it cribbing, complaining, regretting & also being okay with it. Sometimes some truths are hard to digest because it shows us that side of us that we don’t want to see or get present to because it is so painful, so unsettling, so triggering.
Every time I think of me & everyone around, I find that we are so gifted, highly potential and resourceful, but we aren’t using even an iota of that. Every time we desire to stand up to our greatness, we get stopped not just by others who are fearful but by us too. It is more of our own stances, that stops us from creating what we desire. And the greatest of all things that holds us back is nothing but OUR FEAR OF MAKING MISTAKES. Mistakes start defining us and who we become. But that’s the interpretation of the world and us. That is not the truth. Mistakes are simply mistakes. We make them painful memories and hold on to them making it mean something about us, the person or any subject in that context. We have great ideas, but we keep these to ourselves. Don’t we?! I can assert this because: one, I did like this and two, I know of many people who have done this. The questions that holds me/them back are usually these: What if this isn’t good? What if I look stupid? What if I get rejected? What if it doesn’t work out? What if people laugh at me? What if my life gets messier than what it looks now? What if…………? You can use your fear here to fill the gaps. Just for a second ask this another question: “What you are assuming; can you be 100% sure?” In this mind game, we tend to give up, resign already & not start anything. And mind being mind, it’ll keep popping up with newer & brilliant ideas to find solace in the fact that it is just going to be inside the mind only without coming out in the real world to play the game. We fear playing the game honestly. Did you come across anyone who just by thinking & ideating & not diving into the reality created anything miraculous?! Obviously not! Sometimes I wonder what I have created by holding on to this stance of being perfect, not making mistakes and hiding if I make mistakes out of fear of humiliation, looking stupid and what not! Honestly, nothing! In fact, in the act of not creating the mess outside, I created the mess inside of me.
Long back I learnt not to make mistakes. Because making mistakes wasn’t fun. Who would love to bear the consequences of it? All the shame, guilt and repercussions are hard to handle. But only if you look at it that way and sadly, we are made to look at it that way. Yes, we are made to look at making mistakes that way, we are conditioned everywhere this way. Even in the corporate, you’ll agree that although you are asked to think out of the box, generate new ideas; when you do, you are not received well by many & even the leader is not able to give you the space to make mistakes for many constraints that (s)he is bounded by. We are leaving in constant fear of losing out, missing out, falling short, running behind etc. So, we just give ourselves limited chances. But our exploration of our gifts and its manifestation needs time and more chances than what we are willing to give ourselves.
As the year is winding up, I am sure you all are going to take stock of things. You are going to do an inventory count for 2019. What worked, what didn’t? What was awesome, what wasn’t? What got created and what didn’t? What goals got manifested and what didn’t? etc. Hardly do we take stock of our mistakes. What if we ask ourselves this question, “How many mistakes did I make this year?” As you ask yourself this question, be gentle and kind on yourself. Sit without judgement, don’t sit with a mindset to find fault & beat yourself up, but to take pride in yourself for the fact that you did something out of your way; for something that you were fearful of; for something that you weren’t sure/certain of but you did. As you open you heart to this, you’ll notice a shift in the way you look at mistakes. This stance will enable you to dive into newer, creative and innovative ways. It’ll open the doors to possibilities, of ways that you didn’t know existed. Make mistakes, take stock, forgive, let go, take a new stance, take a renewed goal and again be willing to make mistakes, to let the mess be created, to allow yourself to sit in the discomfort, be willing to play and not just focus on winning. Because after winning, you’ll again feel the vacuum for you haven’t enjoyed the play truly. Make your game infinite and not just fixated with just winning. And if you play without inhibition, without control of self from making mistakes, you will any which ways win. If not anything you will make your life memorable & you’ll be left with a better experience of life. Because as you look back, those wins which were difficult and allowed you to stretch, made a greater impact than the ones that you played safe & comfortably.
My intention for 2020 is to allow myself to make mistakes, make mess & not make it mean anything about me but make it memorable. For I know, where I hold back is what needs my attention & action. And that which I’ll resist will persist. As I look back on 2019, in my mistakes I learnt greatest of all lessons, deepest connections were formed and most of all I grew as a person, as a leader and as a coach. And so, I can allow others to make mistakes & give them an “A” despite of that; give my trust to them. And life is about growing and not controlling us from expanding. As I dive into the unknown trajectory, I will make mistakes for that’s a new ground, but what if I look at it not as mistakes but my willingness to redefine my definition of mistakes?! Making mistakes is much more joyous than sitting in regret for not trying to make one.
In the words of the awesome Sara Blakely, “Go ahead, make mistakes. The worst that can happen is you become memorable.”
Those who made/make a dent in the Universe are the ones who never stopped after making mistakes. Are you willing to allow yourself to making mistakes in 2020? And for the mistakes that you made in 2019, are you willing to let go of those painful memories & recreate a positive stance? Because it’s the mindset that you would choose to carry forward in 2020 that would shape your experiences of life eventually.
Wishing you a joyous, abundant, fulfilling & fantastic 2020. May you live in your essence and experience life in totality.
Believing in you.
#life #leadership #coaching #insights #mistakevsexperience #livinginessence
Our essence is the state of groundedness of our being, a state of our peak-performance, our zone of genius. A state of our highest-self, a state where we are at our best & when others experience us as our best. Yes, both! But we oscillate from over-expressing to under-expressing it. How you arrive at your essence, is by doing the deep work with your coaches, taking feedback from people who have experienced you, from honest self-evaluation, from being open to receiving feedback from people (apart from your relatives & blood-relations) with whom you have worked with, even taking feedback from strangers whom you have connected for the first time. You'll see common patterns and themes. Your ability to receive, just receive (without having to counter/defend) what they have to offer you will allow you to see your essence, who you truly are. And when you live in your essence, you are that unique person that you are meant to be, being able to manifest the gifts that Universe has bestowed on you.
"Everyone has unique gifts & talents. What you love is, what you are gifted at. To be completely happy, to live a completely fulfilled life, you have to do what you love." - Barbara Sher
And like I mentioned before, we keep oscillating between over expression & under expression of our essence. We do this for various reasons. One of the reasons is because of our fears, some acknowledged and some unacknowledged. Having been coached and having coached my clients, one thing I have observed is the resistance to first accepting that there is fear. Denying that one has fear is also a reflection of the fact that either you don't want to dive deep or having fear would mean/reveal something about you that you are not willing to face/get present to. Whenever there is denial, resistance, there is something more beneath that. Uncovering it will truly serve you. But sadly, many a times we live in denial and even resist opening to that someone who is willing to take us to that depth that we are fearful of going.
"Denying the truth doesn't change the facts."
Let's look at the chart below to understand what over & under expression of our essence would look like. I am taking just five of the many essence that me & my people, my kind of people have. Please note that I have got in touch with my essence from the deep work that I am doing with my coaches and my fellow coaches in the safe container called the Forge group that I am in as a part of my learning initiative as a coach & a leader.
You can uncover your essence & then see if you are over expressing or under expressing it. When we feel that what we are doing isn't enough, we do more. The underlying fear is to be secured, certain and be the best at it or else we may not have it or be left out. Mostly driven, passionate and ambitious people would be over expressing their essence. Because they want more and more & want to free themselves from the underlying feeling of 'I am not enough, I need something outside of me to feel enough'. They want to be sure, experience abundance at the cost of who they are. When you do so, you are leaving yourself with an experience of life where you actually feel unfulfilled, not enough and not good about where you are at. Hence you jump to the next level to feel that you are enough. But sadly every time you get to that level, you realize there is a level beyond & your focus is to getting to the next. It's like climbing a ladder that has no end and your drive is to get to the end, highest continuum of it. At some point you get frustrated and tend to give up or do more, exhaust yourself to get to somewhere that you realize you never wanted to go. You live a highly stressed, driven life that robs you off your energy, peace of mind and leaves you with a feeling of disconnect & vacuum. You live a life where you have to constantly prove to yourself & others to satiate the feeling of being enough.
For those who under express their essence, the hidden fear is, 'I am not worthy, I don't deserve, I am not good enough.' Here it is more of a victimized stance that you adopt as a result of the failures, negative/unpleasant experiences that you might have had while growing up or what you experienced of the world around you. May be you were conditioned to be this way to underplay and stay protected. Fear of not being accepted as you are might have led to this stance and so your need is to be accepted the ways others want you to be, to fit in somehow. What is the experience of life you are left with as a result of this stance?
What is really getting in your way to living in your essence? My experience of myself & my clients says the following might be something to reflect on.
Are you willing to deep dive? If yes, what is that tiniest step that you would take in that direction?
I will be happy to have a conversation with you around this to know what you want to create for yourself & where ever you are at life. I am willing to support you. I resisted receiving support earlier, but after opening my arms to receiving support from my coaches, my life & who I BE has transformed drastically & so my outcomes. Are you willing to receive that support that I am offering you? If yes, write to me at email@example.com or direct message me or just reach out in any creative way that you deem fit.
Believing in you,
What we see is what we learn & imbibe. More than what we learn by what is told to do, we learn by what is being modeled to us by our leaders. And I am so glad to have witnessed that sort of leadership which is purely based on the leader's being and not based on 'driven-doing' mode that we mostly operate from. Where did I experience this? In the Forge group that I am currently in as a part of my leadership deep dive. Every time I feel I had a breakthrough, I am complete; I see another blindspot & it is an ongoing journey. I never thought this kind of self-revelation was possible, unless & until I got present to this phenomenon through coaching. And so I wonder what powerful impact we can create when we walk the inward journey & be in our zone of genius!
One of the rarest commodity in leadership is, leadership without ego. Ego is centered with 'I' and 'my needs'. And so we give meaning to every experience that we create to mean something about that 'I' & 'my needs'. Hence, leadership in such a scenario doesn't remain leadership in its truest essence but more of control, manipulation & driven by agendas that aren't accepted & acknowledged by others & even self at a deeper level. And unless & until we choose to break this cycle, we keep creating the same experience again & again.
Real leaders are different and they don't fit the general idea of leaders that we commonly hold on to. Leadership without ego is a choice to do & be the following no matter what:
It is hard to pause, reflect & see what's the clearing that is required for a repeated unwanted experience of life that we are creating. It is hard to call out on self because that would trigger underlying beliefs that we might be unwilling to explore & get present to. The very identity of who we had been, might be shaken when we choose to look within & that might be uncomfortable. Hence the seemingly easiest way we think is, to look outside us & distract ourselves from the real stuff. But sadly, this isn't the way to do away with the deeper discomfort that we are running away from. The more you be with the discomfort, you dilute its ability to trigger us and control our behaviours & outcomes.
Leadership is a way of being that not only elicits the greatness in others but enables us to experience our greatness even more powerfully. It isn't something that leads to burn-out, sleepless nights, auto-pilot mode of operation but an inner stance of leading; first self and then others to a path of acknowledgement & liberation from fears, inhibitions, hypocrisies, self-doubts, distractions and settle in groundedness & serenity i.e. our essence. The road is slippery though!
Leadership is a muscle that needs to be built & can never be put to halt & assumptions that it will get shaped by default. It needs reflection, deep work and constant evolution & not necessarily just when we are holding a position or title in the professional world but generally too. So the question that I leave herewith for you to reflect is: "What would the impact of leadership without ego on you, your life and people around you would be?"
Believing in you,
I wasn't who I am today and I very well know that I won't be the same person as I progress in my life. Change is what truly defines me. And I am happy to declare that I am loving this journey of self-discovery, self-awareness, evolution and transformation. I thank each & everyone of you in this journey of mine because all of this happened in your space. Consciously, unconsciously, subtly, intentionally, I was held to experience what I was experiencing; to feel what I was feeling; to act/not act in certain ways to arrive at results expected/unexpected. All I say is, I have grown & now my mental map has widened, my energy field has expanded to be able to accommodate more, hold more, see more and most importantly enjoy more being myself, enabling others to be themselves as they are. On this 30th October 2019, I will turn 39 and so I thought of reflecting my lessons learnt so far and share with you all hoping you'll benefit from this. This in a way is my return gift to you all for all the love and warmth that you have showered and bestowed on me throughout.
1. No one else but only you can give yourself the love that you have been seeking outside.
2. True happiness lies in our ability to experience all our pleasant & unpleasant emotions.
3. The complaints that we have of others are exactly the same someone else is having about us. The only thing is, we aren't aware of it or finding it hard to own & accept.
4. Your experience of life majorly depends on who you choose to BE.
5. No one is bad, it's just that our mental maps aren't aligned as a result of which we aren't able to access their bright, more evolved sides.
6. Nothing in life is as scary as our mind makes it to be.
7. By not diving into the other side of fear, you are missing out on a blissful experience of life.
8. Every one has a unique story that you can truly hear only when you drop your judgement, guards, masks and choose to be in your essence.
9. You can experience another person's greatness when you first experience your greatness by being in your essence.
10. Never spend your life comparing yourself with another soul. You are different, they too are. Never believe anyone who does this comparison to make you a better version. Truth is, in comparison you loose your power.
11. To have a meaningful & peaceful life, embrace adult responses over childhood patterned responses. We majorly act based on our conditioned protective childhood responses. Don't forget that you are no longer that child but growing & evolving.
12. Nobody needs fixing. All they want is the space to be themselves to be able to experience who they are. In that space you flourish & evolve to your highest self.
13. Your triggers are the best place to get access to the brokenness that is inside. Your true work starts in this exploration.
14. Every experience in life matters. If you don't believe me, look back & you'll realize what I mean.
15. If you find yourself in an experience of life that you are not enjoying or don't want to be in; then know that this is exactly what you need for your growth. Yes, a bitter truth.
16. Don't hold on to anything, nothing is permanent; this includes your thoughts, feelings, emotions, ego, judgement, actions, literally everything. Instead hold the sacred space and let things get created in that space freely. Master the patience to hold the space.
17. Never underestimate the power of anyone however hard you may find it. Your rationality can't match the light inside every soul.
18. You can get access to your intuitive abilities only after you have had access to your intellectual abilities.
19. You attract certain kinds of people in your life because you need them to learn something/experience something unfamiliar/co-create something. Don't detest this experience, but thank them for being there.
20. Our greatest learnings come in seemingly unpleasant ways.
21. However compassionate, caring you might be, know that your leaning back & allowing the person to carve out his/her path in that challenging/struggling moment will only truly serve them. So learn to lean back even if it is discomforting and all you want to do is save them & do it for them.
22. Remember that excitement for anything after some point fades. Be it in relationship or any venture that you started. Your decision to not give up when the excitement goes away will enable you to take the leap to the next level of your growth. Giving up is not the solution to not being excited. Rather it is a great reflection point for you to look at your own patterns.
23. Be okay with asking for support. Don't equate that with your inability to do on your own and don't beat yourself up for that. When giving support is joyous, so let be receiving joyous too.
24. Blaming is one of the easiest thing you can do rather than owning a part of you in that messiness. Blaming does no good to anyone. Owning your messiness needs courage & depth of character.
25. Our excuses are our true projections of how powerful our intentions are. They are inversely proportionate.
26. Love the person for who he/she is and not what you want them to be. That's not love, that's transaction, an agenda. Hence your experience of love will be around your definition of love.
27. One day you'll leave this world and anyways go away to the unknown. So decide now who you choose to be, because that's the best you can do with your life.
28. In the name of responsibilities don't run away from your dreams. Likewise, in the name of your dreams, don't run away from your responsibilities.
29. Follow your own truth.
30. Life is beautiful. People are in their space doing their best as they can. I am joy, devotion, radiance, wisdom and serenity (from my essence work with my coaches & people who have truly experienced me).
Expand and spread your wings, fly as high as you want to & create your own lessons. Every lesson is a personal experience & has its own unique beginning, middle and ending. Believe in that.
"A clear rejection is better than a fake promise." - Anonymous
We all fear rejection. We want to avoid it at all cost. Rejection makes us feel bad, low. But what is rejection in the first place? It simply means dismissal or refusal of a proposal. But what we generally do? We give our own meanings to rejection and allow that story to play in our mind. We then operate from that space again & again. We let the word rejection mean something about us, we take it personally. We use this formula: Rejection = I am not good enough, Rejection = I am not worthy, Rejection = I am a failure, Rejection = I am not enough, Rejection = I couldn't convince, Rejection = I am __________. You may fill in the blank as you give meaning to it. And that's when the problem lies. Later in our lives, we become so good in avoiding the rejections that we stop playing where we feel there's a chance to be rejected. We start playing low even without realizing it. All rejection meant was, the other person failed to see what you had to offer. So, does it mean that you will stop offering to others who might be eagerly waiting for you and what you have to offer? Or should we make peace with our self-sabotaging definitions and live with it indifferently? We can be indifferent to anything we wish to be. That's one of the most easiest things to do to avoid feeling the pain & regaining ourselves. Feeling the pain is tough. And who wants to be broken every time. But, if you rewrite your definition of rejection, then the heartbreak would have a different meaning for you. It will be an opportunity for you to see beyond just the emotion but what you might improve not because you got rejected but because you are committed to your growth and highest version.
Let me quote a live example here of my rejection story. There was a story that played in my head for long. Most of the time I would speak up, bring forth an idea or something that I deeply believed in & thought might serve an organization that I was serving; I used to face rejection. Rejection can be of two kinds: one is you get ignored totally or you bear the consequences of non-compliance, cornered. And I used to be in one of the zones mostly. Never to be accepted. I gave meaning to all of these to mean something about me, I took it personally and so I stopped sharing, to be accepted. I stopped being authentic to be with the bandwagon without analyzing if it was good/bad, I stopped sharing my views to please people with whom I had worked with. But, on the inside I felt terrible. I was doing something that wasn't authentic to me. I was doing something that I didn't believed in. I was doing something that wasn't me. And what did this do to me, the fear of rejection gave me acceptance, superficial love and feel good factor for a while; but it robbed me off me. Slowly, I started becoming who I wasn't. I felt unhappy on the inside. I felt conflicted and so I decided to confront my definition of rejection. What does rejection mean to me? I decided to explore that which I hadn't perceived earlier. My previous definition was: Rejection = Nonacceptance & Cornering. Deep down there was this need in me which longed for acceptance & involvement. That's my stuff and the emotional baggage that I was carrying. I dealt with that separately and came out of it. Then, I decided to redefine the terminology 'rejection' in my dictionary. Rejection for me is simply next one now. No arguments, no defense; simply acceptance of the other person's views because I know that is personal and has nothing to do with me or my potential. It's the way they choose to see it and I honour that. But, I will put forth what I believe to be true of course with an attitude to re-look at my views not to mean anything about me but for greater good. Now, approaching others and getting rejected doesn't feel bad. Now I don't refrain myself from speaking authentically. Because now my focus is not me, but the bigger intention of creating a greater impact.
When we allow rejection to mean something about us, we loose our power. But when we allow the same to mean something about the fact that there was a mismatch in perception, all things fall in place. No defense required, no justification required. It just opens the doors to creating newer possibilities and doesn't curb me from being who I am. But, of course, who I am doesn't have to be rigid again. Acceptance of the fact that we do make mistakes and it is okay to learn, grow & not know is the key. Ah, I wish I would have had this lesson earlier, I would have approached so many people & things; may be my trajectory would have been different. But again, I do know that everything comes to you including the guidance of the Universe only when you open up to its mysteries. Nothing before, nothing after. Just at your right time, depending upon your willing to receive it.
Our stories recreate our experiences of us, people & life. To have a newer & more meaningful experience, we need to investigate the stories playing in our head. Are we tightly holding on to that or willing to let go to create newer & more powerful ones? This simple awareness will enable us to make a shift, a tiny shift that will lead us to exponential growth.
Some of the areas that you might reflect on are:
1. Are you hiring people that you are comfortable with? What does this pattern reflect?
2. Are you resisting to see a different side to the issue that you are facing? Reflecting on why & your resistance might help you?
3. Are you unwilling to take support because you believe this is who you are? Diving into this arrogance might lead to a breakthrough you might be resisting all your life?
4. Am I playing small fearing rejection?
5. Am I not open to newer perspectives?
6. Am I being guarded & not vulnerable?
7. Am I showing that I am too good to even need any support?
8. Am I not being aware of my emotions & indifferent to that side?
9. Am I sensing some resistance while reading this blog? What thoughts, feelings & sensations you are having as you read this?
10. Am I getting triggered by something outside of me? That could be a great place to start with.
Believing in you,
#leadership #authenticity #rejection #fearoffailure #ourstory #meaningweattachourselvesto #lookingbeyond #uninvestigatedthoughtsandstories
Into this world she comes,
With hopes high she hums;
Like a hummingbird she hovers around,
With joy deep & profound.
This newfound existence,
This life; into it she dives fearless;
Her radiance spreads all over,
She drenches in this radiant shower.
One day she bumps into,
A reality, an experience new;
She decides to dim her light,
To fit herself into a box oh so tight!
She detests, resists, struggles,
But eventually gives in & falls…
Into a dungeon that is dark,
This leaves an indelible mark;
In her heart & soul,
It reminds her of the unexpected fall.
She is tender, she is compassionate,
She is unable to understand this strange date;
A date between light & dark,
She is shocked & stark.
The same girl now holds herself,
She sees everyone but herself;
She hears every voice but hers,
She decides to lower her bars.
She is caged in her own prison,
She forges ahead to complete tasks undone;
She forgets herself in this process,
Slowly she becomes comfortable with this mess.
She gives love to everyone,
She cares for everyone;
But she doesn’t know how to stand tall,
How to get out of this deep dungeon?!
If she follows her heart,
She fears her world will fall apart;
She fears she’ll be left all alone,
Tight she holds on to her family & her clone.
Deep inside her voice calls her,
She shuts it, denies, distracts, ignores her;
She doubts her, feels the pain,
She takes a walk down her memory lane…
She meets her radiant self,
From a distant she looks at her;
She wants to hug her & help,
But she is fearful of this feeling so rare.
At the crossroad she stands,
She justifies her journey, she defends;
Questions her existence without her essence,
She is then left speechless.
Trickles down her painful tears,
Liberating her from all her fears;
She now sees life clearly,
She now sees herself wholly.
Her mirror reflects & shares,
“Was it worth dimming your radiance?”
She looks deep into her & stares,
“What did you gain & lose while taking this stance?”
She becomes uncomfortable,
She is falling apart from within;
She asks, “Can I embrace myself fully, is it doable?”
And she decides to lean in.
She steps into her power,
Embraces her essence so dear;
She felt alive again,
She heard the hum again.
Tightly she hugged the little girl,
Into each other they curl;
She was lit up, she felt the spark,
This day left an indelible mark…
Deep in her soul,
She decides to attend to life’s call;
She realizes; in this pain,
Nothing you gain.
By losing yourself,
How can you be of service, be of help?!
She invites herself & all the radiant girls,
“To up your bar, fly; a new beginning ushers;
Stand up for yourself,
Celebrate your gifts, love yourself;
Do a favour to life,
Don’t just strive, live freely & thrive;
Recreate & renew."
#EmbraceYourEssence #CelebrateYourself #RadiantGirl #Femininity
My mind is holding me back from penning down these thoughts. It's giving me multiple reasons, logic & rationality to not show the dark side of this realization that is profound & powerful. But I am choosing to take this leap of faith & dive into the world beyond logic & reasoning. This is what is known as the intuition. The leap to the unknown, beyond intellect & into the infinite intelligence. And I am centering myself now to speak from my intuition. I don't know what to say, how to say but just trusting myself & my feelings to give it a form that projects clarity of thoughts & gives a message for you to uncover. Remember, there's a message here and it'll depend on your level of maturity, awareness & consciousness to be able to figure out that which is appropriate for you.
After having spoken to so many people in different capacities, with people leaders in particular; I have figured out one thing and that is, most of them have come very far in their career, is successful but there lies a vacuum in them, a part in them that they find hard to acknowledge & own. They are in committed relationships yet don't feel deeply connected to their partners, there are areas that they struggle with & so put it under the carpet since that's the most easy & rational thing to do; their pain is not on the outside but on the inside due to their inability to show up as they are in their relationships, their connections with their inner circle of people, their close people. The way they are stuck in these aspects are exactly the way they are stuck in their leadership dynamics too. But, they find it hard to own that side because that questions their whole identity of being successful & who they have been projecting. There is guilt, there is shame & there is helplessness. So, I decided to look into myself & my relationships. Because I very well know that my clients, the people I come across by coincidence or choice are nothing but a reflection of me. And if I resist from uncovering this relationship aspect, then they too would. And I know this is scary, not easy because lots of stakes are involved. But, after having moved into the coaching space, after deciding to be authentic in every way possible; I have decided to accept things as they are and not run away. There is greater joy in owning those aspects that we reject & fear; because that's when we get edgy & uncomfortable. And for transformation & growth to happen, this discomfort is very much required. So, here I am modelling by owning these things in me & me being able to put it in words is a testimony to the fact that I have indeed grown & evolved to my next level of being. I acknowledge myself for that.
So of late, I have been reading a lot about relationships. Also on leadership & intuition. I must thank Coach Kendra Kunov for her profound writing & understanding on relationships & the intricacies involved therein. I got an opportunity to meet her, chat with her & also experience her deep work during a coach intensive for a short while. Then I didn't really bother to either read her stuffs nor listen to her videos. Although intuitively I knew that she is an amazing coach & a leader. I was not ready to receive her wisdom or investigate my own relationship at that point in time. That was a part that was very private to me & so I just wanted to just let it be & not do anything about it. It is rightly said that when you are ready, the master appears. Now I am ready I believe and so have taken interest in giving deep thoughts to what she shares in social media & also draw insights from all of that.
There was an article that she had published on the correlation between our leadership development & the intimate relationship that we are into. It just struck the right cord in me. It triggered something in me that needed to be addressed but I had put it under the carpet for long. May be I wasn't even aware of that aspect. There she beautifully quotes about how the way we show up in our relationships, is exactly the way we show up as leaders. And bingo! That's so true! If you really want to uncover your bottleneck, your blind spots & see where you are stuck as a leader, the best way to do that is to look deep into your intimate relationship with your partner. Taking feedback from your partner is one of the best yet scariest ways to really see the mirror. Remember you are showing up exactly the same way as a leader in whatever field you are. This to me sounded weird at first and I tried to defy it. I wasn't comfortable doing this assessment. I also wondered how could there be a correlation at all. But when I used all my defense mechanisms to the fullest & was left with none, suddenly my right side of the brain,the intuitive side woke up. And it sort of helped me to understand something that sounded illogical & meaningless to the rational mind. With lots of courage I decided to really have a look at the relationship that I had with my partner & also the relationships that I had with my close circle of people. And I did this from an absolute non-judgmental space, just to be aware of what was happening not with any intention of fixing or blaming self or another. One thing that came to the fore was that I didn't have the deep connection with anyone of them. In fact, I couldn't/never tried to build that deep connection. I held myself back. As if I had guarded myself & showed up from a space of fear. I had created a distance that didn't allow me to completely lay my trust. I wasn't vulnerable & so I was guarded. My essence was love, but I was either over expressing or under expressing that essence. And it all originated from deep fear of not being good enough, not being loved & not being important. That was my survival mechanism. If I have to use a diagram to explain this phenomenon, it was like this:
As a result of this, I was reliable for showing up in a particular way in my relationships. I was doing either of these: being too possessive or completely withdrawn; craved for intimacy or be totally cold; be totally in it or absolutely show my back; communicate only what was required & avoid difficult conversations; perform stuffs as a result of obligation & withdraw things that required my genuine involvement; unaware of what deep connection is, yet longed for having deep connections without being ready to be vulnerable; felt a vacuum that was created by my own guarded nature, yet didn't muster the courage to communicate that; was led by the relationship dynamics instead of leading it in the desired way; be fearful of hurting self & others, lost myself in the process of meeting needs of others; didn't know what I wanted from the relationship; be okay with mediocrity in relationship, distract myself with other things in life & not really bother to work on the relationship that I have, operated from head & not from the heart; ego took the front seat & intentions were at the back burner; glorified the good in the relationship & buried the not so good aspects without realizing that even if I bury it, I carry these with me & these get manifested in different ways oblivious to me; focus was more on getting than giving; more on superficiality rather than on the deeper aspects.
I asked my partner to honestly give his feedback on how I showed up in our relationship. And he listed down 10 good things & 1 negative. That's when I realized that the greatest bottleneck was that I didn't create that space for him to genuinely tell me the truth & give him the space to reflect. Because it really can't be that you only uncover 1 negative. This may happen in either of the two cases: either you don't want to speak about it or you fear consequences.
After lot of introspection, also after finishing one module of Psychodrama & now gearing up for my next deep work with Coaches Adam & Bay, I have really figured out that the way I have showed up in my relationships is the way I show up with my clients, in my profession as a coach & as a leader. All that I do in my relationship, gets manifested in one or the other way in my working relationships too. And I am so thankful for this awareness. It has given me the room & opportunity to look deep within & do the work needed to take my leadership depth to the next level. The deeper I go, I will be able to take my clients that deep. That is the key to positive & lasting transformation. By working on my relationship with self & others, I open the doors to increasing my depth as a leader. A coach has to be a great leader to be able to lead the clients through that side that they deny & resist.
Leadership is not just having a title, or enviable success, or followers or just charismatically leading, but it is self-realization and awareness that opens the door to newer possibilities & creations for embracing miracles, the impossible; it's diving into the world of the unknown with trust, faith & love; powerfully owning those aspects that we detest & deny. Once you find yourself, once you know yourself, once you lead yourself back to your essence, the core; everything else becomes a cake walk & the by product of that evolution. I invite you to reflect on your intimate relationship & see the mirror that you are resisting to see. If you defy, you aren't ready to take the next cut; if you are ready, you'll dare to see yourself. After all leadership is a shift, a growth inside you beyond what you think is possible. Welcome to your inner self!
Love & respect,
There is so much fuss about leadership. And as usual, I am least interested in the normal, regular stuff. What excites me are newer ways, newer perspectives, something unique & something that stands out from the crowd. All credit to my Enneagram style 4. Well, that's my box, I am aware of it and I am also open to embracing the good aspects of other styles. But around leadership, I have a very different view and may not conform to the normal ways that we look at leadership. For major part of my life, I have been led by others. I somehow attracted some influential figures one or the other way around and would abide by mostly what those leaders would think & say. I bestowed those leaders to have an influence on me. And when I say leader, it can be your parents in your growing years, your teachers, your friends whom you looked up to, your boss during your formative years while in your professional journey, your partner and so on. A leader is someone who inspires you, influences you by their being to bloom into who you truly are. You get drawn by them, their ideas and have a deep sense of trust on them to be able to lead, guide & take you forward to a path that you might resist or may not be sure of.
When you are not conscious, not aware of yourself, have a distorted self-image within for whatsoever reason, have the attitude of always getting affected by other's opinions and don't have the courage to look into the leadership within you, this very essence of idealizing & having admiration for others, become detrimental to your self-growth in reality. This very attitude of being just a follower takes a toll on your life and your being. You slowly start to get molded into ways that you are being shaped by them. You then get enrolled to the leader and slowly start to lose touch with your essence. The very essence that makes you unique in your own ways. You become so absorbed in their ways and ideas, that you start losing confidence in your own decision making capabilities. You start to doubt your ways, your ideas and slowly put a silent mask & become that person who your leader wants you to be.
THE FOUR TENDENCIES
For quite sometime, I felt trapped with such leadership. No offense to anyone. Everyone did their best. But I was unaware of what the real problem was. And I always felt like a victim to such leadership styles, where the relationship was majorly vertical. And I completely take responsibility for enabling such patterns in my life. My being was so, that I attracted those leaders in my life who could lead me to be like them or if not, obey what they wanted me to do. This was conflicting for me! Because in the inside, there was a rebel who wanted to defy everything and break-free. Which I very well hid from the rest of the world. Do check out the four tendencies quiz by Gretchen Rubin to know your style. For your benefit I am sharing the link here quiz.gretchenrubin.com/. It is a free test and worth taking.
Although I was being an obliger, the rebel in me wasn't getting any outlet to manifest itself. So, there was unspoken anger & rebellious energy in my being. But, my love for my leaders was also equally powerful. So, I accommodated and it went on for many years. Because of all of these, I wasn't growing or evolving in totality. In fact, as an outlet, I took it out on others like me using the same style of leadership that was modeled to me by my leaders. And I didn't feel good at all. There was something missing in all of this. My quest was always to free myself, to fly, to reach the mountain top, allow myself to feel the freedom that 'the caged me' was feeling from the inside. But I wasn't aware of what I wanted myself to set free from. This created a deep vacuum within me. But, I never give up. And that's why I kept searching, kept looking for answers and ways to find the way out. Finally, I got the first taste of what that gap was when I attended a coaching intensive to enable my evolution process. There I realized, in fact had an insight & these were my words after that profound realization.
"For years I have been hungry for a leader that would inspire me, whose work would be transformative & include a mission that serves people to an exponential level, who would elicit the genius in me & help me bloom into the person that I am truly meant to be. It is rightly said that great leaders don't make you follow them but they create leaders. My long thirst got quenched today. I went there seeking for a leader to follow, but the gift that I got was that, that leader resided in me, I didn't have to look anywhere else. The intensive was so profound that it gave the voice, the purpose & the mission to look at the leader in me & not outside. Yes, that day the leader in me was born. That day a great leader helped me spot the leader in me and gave me the courage to feed that leader inside me & not look around. This was my breakthrough moment."
EMBRACE THE LEADER IN YOU
I flew back with this deep sense of awakening & belief planted inside of me. And true, I decided to embrace the leader in me. That's when self-leadership was born and I was gravitated to everything that spoke about inward journey. Because I very well realized that leadership is about who you are being & not what you are doing or telling others to do. You do so much of deep work on yourself that you make a massive shift in your being and from that space evoke & enable that self-leadership in yourself & others. To me this is the essence of leadership. Rather than trying to influence or shape others, do the work on yourself. Then you don't have to try to be a leader. You will just be who you truly are. This itself is a journey & doesn't happen overnight. It requires courage to stand tall to your own inhibitions, your internal demons, external pressures, acceptance of self, embracing your imperfections, feeling comfortable with uncovering your gifts that have remained dormant for years, wanting to transform despite of all odds, buckling up to look into the mirror & keep walking the path, embracing uncertainties and many more. And once you do this, a deep sense of liberation comes in, you feel so good from the inside. You shed all the masks layer after layer, you realize the beautiful you, inside & out. Life takes a new meaning then. You start taking actions which you never realized you could and your life starts changing for good. Good is an understatement, your life becomes meaningful & you look up to living everyday as if it's a new start.
And I always write my story authentically & vulnerably to let my people know that dreams do come true. We are all fearful, but when you choose to feed your possibilities, you start creating miracles. If you can dream it, you can do it. That every lasting transformation begins from within. What you want, must first be created inside of you. Spot the leader in you and feed it to enable you to newer horizon. Embrace self-leadership before you lead others. This is the essence of leadership.
I write for my people. I am drawn to serving people who resonate with my thoughts. If I can be that leader like the one who evoked the leader in me, my purpose this life-time will be fulfilled. I want to enable that leadership in my kind of people and I am looking forward to talking to them wherever they are, in whatever parts of the globe, in whatever sphere of life they might be. The diamond that I found, I want to gift it to them & enable them to live a life of freedom, joy, liberation, purpose, a life created by them because there is so much joy in doing this. This is my purpose.
If this resonates with you genuinely, do feel free to write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to have a one on one conversation with you.
Believing in you,
Life & Organizational Development Coach